So I’m pretty sure the “worst mom” award went to me last week (or month or however you would calculate that sort of thing!).
While most of my attention was focused on Lily and her adjusting to kindergarten, I had another issue stressing me out.
Cailyn going to preschool.
She wants to go SO bad, and I kept going back and forth. Most of the decision for me was about the money. So when Filipe had a chance to finally go over our finances and said we could make it work, I drove over to the preschool (the same Christian preschool Lily went to) the very next day to fill out registration papers. That afternoon I told Cailyn she would be starting preschool this fall, and she was ecstatic!
One more thing to check off my to-do list. Score!
There was only one little (or BIG!) problem. I started to get an uneasy feeling about it all, and realized I hadn’t prayed much about the decision.
I literally felt sick about it.
On one hand, I felt like I couldn’t back out now- she was SO happy! But on the other hand, I felt like God was telling me that it wasn’t best for our family right now. What in the world?!?! Couldn’t you have made this all clear before?!, I thought to myself.
At first I felt like I was being overly emotional and/or overly spiritual and that it would all just go away in a couple days. The idea of only having one child for two mornings a week was pretty alluring to me. So, I waited and waited. Finally about day 3 of still feeling this way, I mentioned it to Filipe. What?!?! I gave him a few logical reasons, and then finally just said, “I just don’t feel at peace about it.” I told him I would wait another week (until the fees were due!) to make the decision.
By the next week (which was last week) Filipe and I were both on the same page. Throughout that week each of us would try to talk to Cailyn about it in a roundabout way to see how she would respond. At first it was rough- she was so adamant about going, but she slowly came around to the idea of having preschool at home (& Vovo’s house- my in-laws!). Finally, on Friday the moment of truth came when I told the preschool that Cailyn would not be attending this fall.
I felt weightless, the stress dissipated.
All weekend I’ve been reflecting on this situation, and letting God teach me a lesson through this (there’s always a lesson to learn!).
So often we allow our own personal happiness, or our family’s happiness, trump God’s desire for us. When we get into a situation where we may have to let someone down, it becomes almost unbearable and, naturally, we resist. In the end, the only thing that was holding me back was Cailyn’s feelings. I felt like God was asking me, “Is her feelings more important than My feelings?”. When we’re not faced with a situation it’s easy to say no, but when you have a sweet, innocent three-year-old little girl staring you in the face, it’s a whole different story.
In the end, I would have liked to have “heard God” beforehand, but I’m grateful for the reminder that there’s no peace apart from doing things His way- even if I did have to make a detour.
In the meantime, I think we will have a great year doing preschool at home! I even got one of those “Teacher Lesson Plan” books in the $1 section at Target so I can plan better. We have high hopes for this no-teacher-of-a-mama this year!