Every little girl dreams of a fairytale wedding.
At least I did.

I wish I could say my wedding day was one of the happiest days of my life.
But it wasn’t.

When tragedy strikes, how do you go on as if nothing happened?
You don’t.

But you can’t go backward.
And standing still only makes it worse.

So you do what only you can.
You keep moving.
You keep pushing.
Eventually your mind and heart will catch up.

I barely slept the night before my wedding.
Wanting it to all be over got me out of bed that morning.
Soon it would just be me and Filipe.
I couldn’t wait. It’s what kept me moving.

Up until that week I cared about all of the details.
Now I didn’t notice.

My hair stylist canceled the day before and I had to find someone new last minute.
I didn’t care.

Bridesmaids were bickering and fighting.
I pretended not to notice.

Because none of it mattered. Fixing those things wouldn’t have changed the one thing we wish we could’ve. For Amy to be there with us.

I was on the verge of laughter and tears the entire day- and there were a lot of both that day. While the ceremony went as planned, and we did our best to hold it together, chaos brewed underneath.
We were all grieving.

Even though the circumstances surrounding that day were far from the fairytale wedding I envisioned just weeks before, I can look back on it and smile. Because it was the day I married my husband.

A wedding is an event.
A marriage is a relationship.

Our wedding was a day.
Our marriage has been ten of the best years of my life.

The memory of my wedding will always accompany pain.
The memories of my marriage is better than what I ever dreamed it would be.

Weddings haven’t been easy for me. For the first few years, I looked for any and every excuse to stay away. Don’t get me wrong, I’m SO happy for the couple getting married. It just brings back memories. It’s hard.

10YrAlbum-7

I love this picture because I know I was genuinely happy. I wasn’t faking for the camera.
I couldn’t wait to get away and start our marriage together.

Today is our ten year anniversary. I would have never guessed we would be where we are now.
It amazes me.

We are celebrating big this year. This weekend we are heading out on a Caribbean cruise with friends, Andy and Stacie Wood (also celebrating their 10-year next month). While we are cruising, next week I’m going to post a top ten list of my favorite things over the last ten years.

Mandy

 

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