In ten years, when I look back at what kept us unified as a family, I have a feeling, one of the things I will point to is summertime.
During the school year, there’s a greater emphasis on individual activities, achievement and relationships. Each kid has personalized attention from people outside of our home. Teachers, coaches, and peers stretch them and challenge them (in good ways and bad) which require them to build new skills. Some more comfortable than others.
This past school year,
- My seventh grader learned flexibility in managing the expectations of multiple teachers. He was also forced to learn how to respond to a class bully.
- My two sixth graders ruled their elementary school campus. One grew in confidence through playing on the basketball team and making more friends. The other realized the friends she had weren’t worth as much of her time as she thought. In previous years, she walked out on the last day of school in tears because she will miss her friends, this year she walked out of elementary school for the very last time without looking back. And with most of her classmates attending a different middle school than her, she said, “I’m so glad I’ll probably never see some of those people again.”
- My fourth grader grew in confidence and responsibility in ways I’ve been training for years. Some teachers have a way of helping habits stick a little better. (And for a social butterfly like her, the consequence of missing recess because homework wasn’t turned in is devastating.)
- My second grader discovered you won’t actually die of embarrassment when you have to talk (or perform a dance with a girl) in front of the whole class. He came out of his shell a lot more and made several good friends this year.
But during summertime, we pause and regroup. The pressure to impress goes way down. The need to perform is gone. We can let our guard down a little more and just be. The negative influences lessen, the good growth can settle in and take root.
It’s in these days the bonds between us strengthen and we grow closer together. And that’s the goal for the summer- to grow closer to one another. Individual growth is important (we spend most of the year focused on it), but for a few months we can stop and focus solely on each other.
School has been out for a week now and I’ve noticed these dynamics. Mornings are spent doing more individual tasks, but between 10-11am all the kids engage in some kind of activity together. I watched a couple kids who normally spend more time bickering than getting along spent three solid hours playing together. When we went out for an activity and one kid opted not to go, I heard “That’s sad they’re not here” from the kid I’d least expect to say that.
Sometimes kids do need help to push through relational difficulty. When I see kids struggling to get along, I partner them together to do an activity or task. It’s amazing what happens.
Relationships deepen and grow when we spend time together. Sure, too much time together and we start to get on each other’s nerves. We see the parts of ourselves, and each other, that are not so flattering. But that’s how life works. That’s why relationships grow the more time you’re together.
If we only spend time together when we’re at our best, how do we really know one another, how can we bear with one another? How can we make allowances for each other’s faults? After all, that’s what true love is, right?
We all have good days and bad. Moments we are willing to share and times we only think about ourselves. But at the end of the day, we love and are grateful for one another. We’ve been given the gift of family and we don’t have to do life on our own. That’s what family is all about.